Barbara Walters: Mr. Panosh, it's been a long time since our last meeting....

Pequot Panosh: I think so.

Barbara Walters: You've grown into such an international celebrity since that fateful day you and I shared a long, sweaty love fest underneath the Lincoln Memorial in D.C.

Pequot Panosh: Ah, the good ole days....

Barbara Walters: As I remember, it was my first time with a platypus, and you broke me in like a bad actor waiting for the right role to come.

Pequot Panosh: How poetic.  But that's ancient history, isn't it?  As I recall, you were only using me to make Sam Dondaldson jealous--

Barbara Walters: Okay.   I think that's enough reminiscing for the moment.  Let's get down to business.  You've had many interview offers ... Connie(the bitch) Chung, Diane(the skank) Sawyer, Katie (the whore) Couric ... there were many more--Why did you decide to accept MY offer?

Pequot Panosh: Well, Barbara, it's easy to explain.  But I'm not the type of person who dwells much on explanation.  In fact, I make it a habit not to pretty feet explain myself to anyone.  Not even myself.

Barbara Walters: An honest answer.  But one my producer or your many fans would hardly consider appropriate for such a disreputable gigalo such as yourself.

Pequot Panosh: Flattery doesn't work on me anymore, Barbara.

Barbara Walters: Hmph.  Well, can't fault a girl for trying.  Tell us a little about your next project.

Pequot Panosh: Well ... It's supposed to be very hush-hush.  But since you are one of my past conquests, I guess it wouldn't hurt if I divulged a little.  As everyone knows, it's a special project that Ang Lee and I have been working on since Crouching Tiger ... Loosely based on the old Chinese folklore Funky Blade--you've heard of sexy feet it?

Barbara Walters: Like hardly, for sure.

Pequot Panosh: Anyway, I'm slated to star in the lead role.  We haven't found an actress strong enough to play the lead actress, but you can bet Mr. Lee and I are shoe dangling working night and day to find one worthy of my masculine attention.

Barbara Walters: What is the story about?

Pequot Panosh: Greed.  Power.  And lots of sex.  Yes, sex seems to be the most prominent theme in the story.  Yes, lots of sex for me--uh, I mean, for shoeplay the lead character.

Barbara Walters: And you say this is loosely based on Chinese folklore?

Pequot Panosh: Did I say that?  (laughing)Oh, no.  It's loosely based on a Chinese porn movie made in the early forties....

Barbara Walters: Porn?  I'm starting to get interested....

Pequot Panosh: Porn?  What porn?  I've never done porn in my life.

Barbara Walters: Now, don't make me bring out my private collection, Mr. Panosh....

Pequot Panosh: Oh, you mean p-o-r-n.  (chuckling worriedly)I thought you said prom.  Of course I've done porn.  Every actor in Hollywood has.  I mean--uh ... but that was when I was first starting out.  I did it just to pay the bills....

Barbara Walters: Are you seeing anyone in particular right now?  I'm sure someone of your stature has women pounding down your door trying to get to your masculine loins.  Or maybe they have survellience equipment positioned all over your house to watch you night and day ... Especially during the morning when you wake up and gently scoot your tiny bottom on the toilet....

Pequot Panosh: Uh.... Do I have to get a court order again, Barbara?

Barbara Walters: There's no need for that kind of language, Pequot.  You just don't understand ... I get so jealous when I see you with that hussy, Gillian Anderson.  Are you still dating her?

Pequot Panosh: Who, Gillian? Naw.

Barbara Walters: Really?  So you're free?

Pequot Panosh: Hardly.  Is a funkalicious hunk like me ever free? (sigh) It's a burden sometimes, you know?  Never being able to walk the streets without having some crazed fan come running up to take a piece of clothing or pushing her oversized breasts into my face.  I'm not made of steel, you know.

Barbara Walters: How many fans have you ... gotten funky with?

Pequot Panosh: I lost count at five thousand.  My entire career is like one giant rock concert with groupies waiting backstage for me.

Barbara Walters: So you are not seeing anyone serious at the moment....

Pequot Panosh: There is a woman ... Li Lin-Mei ... but it hasn't been serious since I got funky on Jennifer Connelly's heinie at the Academy Awards.

Barbara Walters: That seems to be a trend in Hollywood these days--leading men shacking up with their leading ladies.

Pequot Panosh: (sigh)Yeah.  It's a practice that has been going on since movies were invented.  It's just easier that way, you know.  Let me tell ya, the sex scenes you see on screen are real.  You just can't make something like that up.  I mean, once you share a moment with an actress in front of fifty people working on the set--you can't just walk away and say good-bye just like that.  You gotta exploit the situation until your next movie and your next leading lady.

Barbara Walters: I can understand why so many women want you, Mr. Panosh.  No woman can resist such a charm.

Pequot Panosh: That's so true.

Barbara Walters: With so much promiscuity, are you worried about diseases like aids or STD?

Pequot Panosh: Hmmm... that's a good question.  But I should be asking you and all those other women who want me if they are worried about catching anything from a platypus. I am a different species, you know. Aids should be the least of their concerns....

Barbara Walters: We're all animals here, Mr. Panosh.  Let's not haggle over minor frivolities such as species relations.

Pequot Panosh: My sentiments exactly.  If my funky loving brings a bit of happiness to vulnerable over-zealous, sex-starved women, then it's nobody's business but our own, except for maybe producers wanting to exploit us in a t.v. movie-of-the-week.

Barbara Walters: Are there plans for a reunion with Tim Burton in the near future?  As I recall, you won an Oscar with him.

Pequot Panosh: Yeah.  Timmy's so cute.  He's like a little boy in a candy store.... I really don't know, actually.  Johnny Depp and I are financing this independent film in Hong Kong, which will debut at Sundance next year.  Then there's the project with Ang Lee.  And I recently had a call from Anna Nicole Smith--

Barbara Walters: The one who filmed you two having sex in a telephone booth, then tried to blackmail you with it?

Pequot Panosh: Yeah.  A nice girl, really, but not too bright.

Barbara Walters: Whatever happened to her?

Pequot Panosh: Last I heard she was doing dog food commercials in Japan.  Anyway, it seems as if she's come into a bit of money--the court awarded her a heaping sum of money from that lawsuit against her ex's family.  Well, looks like she wants to use the money to make a movie with me.

Barbara Walters: Is that wise?

Pequot Panosh: Not really, but she's willing to pay all my expenses and promised to be my sex slave until the movie was finished.  I never could resist fat-bottom girls.

Barbara Walters: You make so much money from your movies, Mr. Panosh, and women literally fall on your feet--Is it really necessary to lower yourself to this kind of behavior?

Pequot Panosh: You wouldn't think so, would you?  I guess I just love money and women too much.

Barbara Walters: Are there any words of encouragements you would like to give to young, aspiring actors?

Pequot Panosh: No, not really.  Well, maybe just one: Never quit unless someone tells you to.

Barbara Walters: That is quite profound and to the point.  What kind of legacy would you like to leave behind--once fame and glory have passed you by like rotting fish on a fishing boat?

Pequot Panosh: Hopefully a feeling of blazing sexual contenment in my movies.  I want people, especially women, to leave the movie theatres as though they've just finished a hot, languid orgy, preferably a gangbang, in which they climax two dozen times.  That would be a legacy to be proud of.  And maybe having my movies embedded in mainstream thought as insightful, rhetorical jargon that empowers decadent indiscretions between the norm of candid afterthought and the deviancy of perverse hypocrisy.

Barbara Walters: You don't know how much I want you right now.

Pequot Panosh: Yes I do.

Barbara Walters: Is there anything else you would like to say before you ride me like an untamed mustang?

Pequot Panosh: Be good to each other.  That way, you'll end up in bed a lot faster....